Nancy Nicholas
Holistic Life Coach and Intuitive Healer
http://www.crossroadscoachingonline.com
http://www.empoweringlightworkers.com
http://www.sanctuaryatcrossroads.com
This is my response to a coaching question submitted awhile ago. I mentioned Byron Katie's Inquiry Method in a post to my Empowering Life Coaching blog (http://nancy-empoweringlightworkers.blogspot.com/) and thought it would be good to get this out there again. I hope you find it helpful!
"We all do emotional gymnastics to be seen as wonderful or funny, just to get what we already have. And because we're doing the gymnastics, we don't see that we already have it." ~Byron Katie~
COACHING QUESTION
"I have many wonderful people in my life who love me and who I love. I find myself feeling unhappy though because it frequently seems that I am the one doing most of the reaching out. What should I do?"
NANCY'S RESPONSE
Great question! I actually was struggling with this issue recently and thanks to a locked car door (with the keys inside!) that left me stranded at the library for 50 minutes, I found a great book to help!
SUGGESTIONS
from I Need Your Love--Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead by Byron Katie
INQUIRY METHOD: Byron Katie explains a simple method of questioning to help us look at the thoughts we are accepting as true. She suggests that when a thought comes into your mind that makes you feel unhappy or unloved, you should ask yourself the following:
Is it true?
Can I absolutely know that it's true?
How do I react when I think this thought?
Who or what would I be without the thought?
Then, turn the thought around, and find three genuine examples of how each turnaround is as true or truer than the original statement.
I've been using this and I'm finding that Katie is right on about the fact that we often accept thoughts as true without really examining them. For instance, here's an example from my own life connected to your question. I was upset with my husband the other day because he didn't call me all day and came home late. The thought that was playing in my head was that he obviously didn't love me because he never calls me and I always have to call him. When I used the inquiry method with this thought, I realized that this thought wasn't true. I know my husband loves me very much and there were several reasons (which had nothing to do with me) which had led to him not calling me all day. It is also not true that he "never" calls me (I easily found three examples to prove it). Yet, I had myself all upset and angry by letting that thought get a hold of me!
CHOOSE THE DIRECT ROUTE: To get your needs met, Katie recommends that you take "the direct route." She says, "By now your needs are familiar. And you know what the effect is on your life when you believe you're entitled to have them met and it doesn't seem to be happening. The result is a hopeless quest filled with separation, frustration, and resentment." She says first to use the inquiry method and if you find that the need is something you do still see as a need, then be gentle to yourself and ask for it to be met directly from those you love. So for your example, if you truly feel that your loved ones are not extending themselves enough, then you need to ask them to do something specific to alter this. For example, "I need you to call me if you are going to be late."
She also says when you are ready though, that the direct route is to "let reality be the guide to your needs: What I need is what I have." She gives the following examples of this method: "How do you know when you don't need people? When they're not in your life. How do you know when you do need them? When they are in your life." She says you can also use that with those thoughts where you feel you "should" be doing something or making some decision. She says that we "need" to do something is just a thought. If it really is a need, then we will be doing it.
Going back to your question, you might want to ask yourself if you are doing things for others because you "need" to or are you doing things because you want approval or to have what you've given reciprocated? I know that I have found myself doing things for my family members because subconsciously I really want them to do the same for me. Usually, they don't know that is how I'm feeling (and I can't blame them because I don't always see it myself!), and they don't respond as I'd secretly hoped. This leads to frustration and unhappiness. What I'm learning to do instead is to recognize when I need something, and if possible, I give that to myself. This has saved me a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings with those I love.
OTHER COMMENTS: I would recommend getting this book for yourself as it is filled with lots of wonderful examples and practical exercises you can try (much more than I can share here). For me, the possibility of being free of the need for approval, love and appreciation from others is very enticing. I do believe that everything we need is provided and often I can see that it is my own approval, appreciation and love that I'm really seeking. As Katie says, we save ourselves a lot of grief by recognizing that what we are seeking, is within ourselves. The book is available in my online bookstore (http://astore.amazon.com/sanctuary0a-20) under Love and Relationships.
BEST WISHES!
